Hope

Should I blog about this or not? That’s the question I’ve been asking myself since this whole thing started. In answer to my question, Raphael said “I don’t know this is pretty personal, but then again your blog is about you.” So here I go.

Last week I had a colposcopy, not to be confused with a colonoscopy. My pap had come back abnormal and showing mild dysplasia, so they wanted to remove some pre-cancerous biopsies from my cervix to examine the extent of the abnormalities. I was of course stressed about it going into it and the entire week prior. I was told they would put vinegar on my cervix to examine trouble spots, then do a needle extraction and scrape my cervix all while I was there awake, spread eagle. The procedure was uncomfortable to say the least and it didn’t help that I fainted during it and woke up confused and in pain on an examination table. They had to use smelling salts to revive me. Raphael was there to take me home and for the next several days I experienced some cramping and bleeding. I also couldn’t workout for a week. But I at least thought the coloscopy would have been the end of it.

Anyway, my cells were sent to the lab and a week later I got a call from my doctor (not the assistant but the doctor herself, not a good sign) and she said that the results came back higher than she liked and now it looked like I had severe dysplasia and needed another procedure done immediately. So now I have to get a LEEP done in August, which removes parts of my cervix with lasers in a sort of an electrical wire loop. Lovely. Luckily, this won’t affect my future child bearing, however women who’ve had this procedure usually have weaker cervixes and earlier labors, which given my frailness I’m sure would have been the case anyway. For this procedure the full recovery time is six weeks (no hot tubs, no tampons, no …) but this will hopefully prevent the pre-cancerous cells from getting any worse and turning into the C word. This has to be done, I keep telling myself and I’m trying not to get too freaked out about it all. Just upset I have to deal with this. Ah, well.

Thus, ladies under 26 go get your Gardasil shots to help prevent some cases of cervical cancer, it’s a series of three shots in six months. I was actually aiming to get them done during my next visit, but then got the call about my test.  

Ironically, after I hung up the phone with my doctor, trying to process this all. In my inbox popped up this week’s Blog Off word and it’s HOPE. So, I’m taking that as a good sign, as I hope this time the procedure will be the end of it, that I’ll be ok and that it will all soon be a distant memory a year from now. I hope, I hope, I hope.

I heart NY

But I stomach LA...

I found these shirts in a Yahoo! store, and I think the contrast to the I <3 NY shirts sums it up for me.

I have no reason to complain about LA though, the people have been nice, the weather spectacular and I'm having fun, It's just not the City.  In fact, I don't feel like Los Angeles is a city at all. It's not like a Chicago, London, Boston or SF, since there's no central-ness to it and is missing that city feel.  Instead, it's like one big suburb with an occasional tall building and no public underground system. After all, what other city is this close to snow topped mountains and beaches? Yes, that part is very cool, I just don't think of LA as a city, never mind like The Big Apple.

I'm going home to get my fix though at the end of July for a friend's wedding. Yay! I can't wait. Gonna see my friends and family too. 

The first LA cupcake meetup group

Taking inspiration from Nichelle in New York City, I decided to start a Los Angeles Cupcake Meetup Group. We have 27 members so far and our first event on 7/7/07. I figured we'd start with the most famous cupcakery to the stars--including huge fan Katie Holmes-- Sprinkles, which bakes up 20 mouthwatering varieties including pumpkin and peanut butter and chocolate. 

The shop itself is very cute and efficient, not romantic looking like Magnolia's, but more organized and sterile like the Rickshaw Dumpling Bar in Manhattan. I ended up purchasing their Dark Chocolate cupcake (too much frosting and too rich) and two vanilla cupcakes (nice, but had better). Each cost $3.25 (yick!) and of course came with sprinkles on top, which was both fun and messy. The best part of this shop is that it's in the heart of Beverly Hills and the cute branding and logo, otherwise I look to discover better LA cupcake eats at future meet-ups.

Here are some photos:

LA cupcake member, Kody, brought some of his own homemade cupcakes from Cake and Art, which were almost too beautiful to eat (see below).  He offered to have our group tour his shop sometime in the future, yay! 

Survivor

I've entered another blog-off for breast cancer competition. Each Thursday, 21 bloggers will be given a new word prompt and from that will build a post. The first week's word is "Survivor," which immediately caused me to think of my mother and not because she likes the TV show, which she does, but because she truly is a survivor and has instilled her strength into me (I hope).

My mother now owns her own business, I can say that proudly knowing it is all to her credit, while remembering how she was once a single working mother worrying about paying the bills and giving me all that she could. She's also one of the happiest, upbeat people you'd ever meet, yet it's hard to believe that given her past or that so much strength lies behind those manicured hands and bright smile. 

She has survived: a severly alcoholic mother; her father deserting them when she was five; being put in an abusive foster home when the state of NY took her away from her mother, younger sister and half brothers at the age of 10 due to being malnourished. 

Instead of being a victim to her surroundings though and staying in the system, she went to business school and like always dusted herself off, still smiling and seemingly unfazed. 

I always felt that if someone has had such a shitty childhood they should at least be rewarded later on, but instead my mom endured more pain, the worse being the loss of her three-year-old daughter, Serina, and experiencing every parent's nightmare. I still don't know how she survived that one, especially when she tells me stories about that week and the funeral, and my dad's resulting demise. Being a baby at the time my mother once again was the strong one and took care of me 100% while grieving and going through a divorce, all without child support too.

Despite being a single working and grieving mother, I never remember her crying or complaining but always smiling and being silly. She even went from being a secretary to director of HR while also coming home and taking care of me and still discoing it up in the later hours.

Even now, she is going through yet another blow, and surprise, surprise; she's dealing with that winningly too. She is a survivor, she gets through it and even more surprisingly, she never sulks about her hardships, but still acts like a happy school girl always enjoying life despite the bad times and still dolling out love.

I once said to her "Mom, you've had such a hard life." She then said very sternly and emphatically, "I've had a great life Tara, remember that, I've had a great life!" 

So no matter what I go through or have gone through, I've always looked at my mother's strength as a model and inspiration.  

I'm a survivor, I'm not gonna give up, I'm not gon' stop, I'm gonna work harder, I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will survive, Keep on survivin -- Destiny's Child

Toasting the 4th

For Independence Day we decided to venture out of our area and go up to Santa Barbara wine country, Los Olivos (where Sideways was filmed) for the early afternoon to do some tastings. I wish we had brought a picnic basket because the sun was bright and the tasting rooms closed at 2 (although we still managed to hit Curtis, Fess Parker and Zaca Mesa wineries first) and lots of other people were lying out and unpacking their lunch. We meanwhile, were buzzed, thirsty and tired. We napped in the car and a group of guys from LA gave us some of their leftover cheese, lol. 

After, we headed back down to Santa Barbara to check out the town and catch their half hour fireworks show at Sterns Wharf. This time we were more prepared and unpacked our folding chairs and blanket and grabbed a spot on the beach along the massive crowd. The show was nice, lots of colors which I like and lots of pops and bangs like Raphael likes. They also had ones shaped like stars. 

When the show ended and we were fleeing with stampede of people, a fight broke out on the street with what looked to be like a young gang kicking one another in the head. The crowd separated like the red sea and finally the police on bicycles came to break it up. They only caught one kid. The city itself seemed peaceful enough so it was a bit random to see that. 

This might be an annual event for us.