Left Behind

I close my eyes,
I see your happy face
as tears start to come.
I drift off into space,
I think of all our memories-
all the fun
in the New Jersey Shore sun.

A thousand times a day
I see something that reminds me of you
and it feels like a punch in the gut
with actual pain,
like rain,
tapping at my heart.

I find out something interesting
and just know it would make you laugh
I grab for the phone
as my fingers go numb
I realize you’re gone
and will never hear it.

Every time the phone rings
I know it is not you
Telling me a little tidbit
like about the Yankees home run hit.

I hear your laugh
before I go to sleep
as more memories begin to creep
to my mind
and it leaves behind
a bitter lump in my throat.

I catch myself talking to you
even though you're not around
and mimicking your comments and jokes in answer
to the questions that I have found.

I try to smile-
try to be happy for you.

You were like the warden,
you just loved to hate.
A friend, a burden,
my fate.

Playing the cards you were dealt,
Living your life was a constant chore,
Hiding what you really felt.

Oh but I expected a harder fight,
A rage into the night?
But no, not a sound
Just your discarded shell was found.

I wonder why I couldn’t hear
That your end was near
Was there some bright light?
Did she tell you not to hold on tight?
Were there images that you could see?
Did you sleep and dream of me?

If I only knew that was in fact a goodbye kiss,
I would have hugged you a little longer.
If I only knew
I would have shouted, “I love you!” “I love you,”............“I love you”
Instead I’m left here,
with a piece of me missing.
As the world continues on,
leaving me bereft.

I carry this burden
of your love being taken away
without a last goodbye-
or even a smile,
as we lie,
and say "Someday!"